I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.