[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes