Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?