A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶