Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.