[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
it’s finally my moment to shine
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder