A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
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I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.