“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“what that mouth do?” complain
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Dammit Chief not again