Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you