[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Best seat on the street 😍
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.