A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Finished stitching this today 😇
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.