Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Alexa: *deep breath*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.