Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat