I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.