I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.