Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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sigh
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My dog learned how to text
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.