Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.