I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
i meant to share this earlier
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale