“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
ok like just. call me at this point
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic