Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
You’ll be OK
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Brands during Pride
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The game has officially changed 😎