HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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shut up and take my money
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*