Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
You Might Also Like
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you