My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I hope they boil the right one.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
next level snooze
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it