Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Good advice.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.