Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
dutch so unserious
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*