Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Spring of Deception
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Cats are still liquid.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.