*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
You Might Also Like
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.