Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
This is a bad sign
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine