My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.