How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no