The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Someone just threatened to call me later
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.