Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
You Might Also Like
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Boom, boom, ching!
Erm…
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad