*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord