[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?