confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.