Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.