Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]