cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.