10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid