[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please