moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.