TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?