It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*