me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
oh my gosh!!