Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
consequences, the bane of my existence
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart