I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
that wasn’t the question
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!