[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”