[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it