[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.