I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.